My fellow Americans, it is clear that we have once again been failed by our current politicians. They lack the leadership and drive to deliver the help millions of us so desperately need, and the backbone to effectively fight the pandemic or tackle climate change. It is clear that I must run in 2024. Here is my platform.
- Universal health care
- Education funding will no longer be dependent on local property values
- Completely revamping the tax system so that instead of filling out paperwork to see if you’ve been paying too much or if you owe money, only the correct amount is automatically taken from pay. So on one hand, no more refunds barring clerical error. On the other, you get more of your money when you are paid and you don’t have to throw money at Turbotax or H&R Block, or figure out filing on your own.
- UBI of $2,000/month adjusted yearly for inflation and local cost of living.
- Empty housing units will be taxed.
- I will have Elon Musk deported. To Mars, for irony’s sake.
- End our dependency on fossil fuels for energy production. If it’s non-nuclear or non-renewable, it’s out. We will have a massive power plant replacement program.
- Fix and update our infrastructure to be more useful, and so we don’t all die on our daily commute because the 80-year-old bridge collapsed.
- FAST TRAINS EVERYWHERE
However, you can’t be a successful American president without also being some kind of bastard. To that end, I will enact the following policies:
- The state of Idaho will be designated as a bombing and artillery range. Its residents will not have to move out because they will all be designated enemy combatants. They know what they did.
- We can, should, must, and will mess with Texas.
- To cut costs, some of the new nuke plants will use RBMK reactors.
- All A-10s will be withdrawn from service except to provide 24/7 cover for me, personally. I will have a Raytheon laser eye implant that lets me designate anyone I look at and don’t like for an immediate 30mm burst.
Hey Elon!
Get your ass to Mars!